Notable Notes (1)

Here are a few intercepted notes I've received over the years.
This job feeds into the perfect level of voyeurism without causing me to feel like too much of a creeper.

I believe there may have been jewelry with this:

I hope (she) does too, Andy.

Brace yourself for some racy innuendo!

"Lunch time"

Meanwhile, Sydney awaits in he qoumroom.

Do you think she'd let me?

Here's a conversion attempt that seems like it didn't quite play out.

Sorry Kirstin (sp?), it seems like your feminine wiles were not quite enough to ensnare Adam into your cult! Keep practicing though!

 Elsewhere in the world, an unavoidable system of communication has been established by a couple with substance abuse problems...

 Wrap your angry message around a tall-boy and it is sure not to be missed. The recipient may even respect this tactic enough to drink the beer without removing the note!

When I tell people about the crazy things I've seen, this beer can is up there in the list. I LOVE how the note SEEMS to pick up mid-idea, like there may have been more objects with angry notes around the home leading up to this conclusion(?!). I LOVE how you see this angry note, wrapped around a beer can, containing an accusation of theft of methadone, and after all that is the realization that IT'S WRITTEN ON CUTE ANIMAL STATIONARY.

I love that this person does not default to ten-digit phone numbers like the rest of us in the 21st century (thereby allowing me to publish it unedited.)

Ms. Jessica Gugel, you are one in a million.

Just dumb stuff.

Alright, the focus of this blog was always meant to be on the dumb stuff we as humans decide to manufacture. I've been a little sidetracked with thoughtful commentary. Well, speaking of commentary...

Last year I received a full pack of alphabet magnets, and I was wondering what I could spell using as many of the letters as I could, to leave a message inside that I would see every time I returned.

 I realized I could spell cult. My company has often been accused of being linked to a European scam group, which it sounds like might be a legitimate accusation, but the United States government doesn't currently seem to have any quarrel with our business model, so life goes on.

So, to ventilate my own frustrations as an employee, it was nice to have this little snarky secret on the inside of a bin.

Any way, I said this update would focus on stupid things.... Here you go: 

Obese kids cushion Spider-Man. Isn't there a fat Spider-Man meme? This resembles that quite a lot. He has no legs. Certainly not eight. 

 I mean I guess this is just an Austin Powers or something but he looks like an evil pimp.

 I've always been looking for Qne of these.

This tag seems to promise that this shirt which makes anyone who wears it instantly look like a gas station attendant that the effect would ACTUALLY be that they would be more attractive to "youngers". *hwaaaaaaarf*

 "So we need to think up a name for this baby supply bag. Something cool, something riveting, something suggestive of infanticide..."

"How about... Kid Decapitator?"

"Nah, too grim."

"...Baby... Bullet?"

And the rest is history.

 Hello.

Let us partake in some games.

I swear to god if I have to answer ONE MORE QUESTION about something that took place ANYWHERE ELSE on the planet or in the universe for that matter other than the GOOD OL' U.S. of A. I'M GOING TO FLIP MY GODDAM LID

This was one of several cards from some kind of game that didn't seem all that obscure. I am sure there are rules which involve only reading one color of statement at a time, but it's really hard to look at  the kinds of statements on this card and not imagine them being confessed to you all at once by some weirdly robotic person with a lack of social skills.

Look especially closely at those first three statements. This seems like some kind of a sales pitch.

Yes also hello.

 Love me.

No. I'm sorry. You're not getting rich of this, I will not allow it.

This post card used to live in one of my bins, I would leave it in there and see it every week after I finished picking everything up.

I love it so much. The Orangutan sitting with his CARTOON BEER saying "WHAT? You haven't been to MILWAUKEE?"

In Milwaukee, it is commonplace for Orangutans to drink SHITTY CARTOON BEERS. If you don't expect this sort of thing, you deserved to be sassed!