Ain't Nothin' But a Vulture Par-ty

I have come to love vultures while working this job.
They clean up our messes, they appreciate a large social network.
I count myself fortunate to ever find myself near one of their Vulture Parties.

Look at that dude living it up.

Corner to corner party roof.

This was the first Vulture Party I ever had the pleasure of crashing....

What a swell bunch.

Even more dumb stuff.

Here's some more examples of the excess of our culture.
Let's start out with this pair of boxer shorts. They are themed boxer shorts. They have Angry Birds on them. But they are not just Angry Birds, they are Angry Birds themed to resemble Star Wars characters. Do you think this pair of boxer shorts is up to the task of being all things to all people? Godspeed to you, boxer shorts, there's a lot riding on your mission.

Here's some dumb shirts. Look, if I photographed every dumb shirt I ever saw I would never make it home. These are just particularly dumb. Starting with the shirt equivalent of those shorts we just saw...

This just makes me angry. Yeah I see you over there, avoiding copyright issues by slightly changing Shrek characters and pretending like ANYONE would be really into the idea of seeing them depicted as dogs. It finally eases the one question that was on everyone's minds as they watched the Shrek movies, what would they be like as dogs? Thank god this shirt came through.

Yeah, I know, bagging on Twilight is passe. But seriously, "I just like watching over you"?!?! I JUST LIKE WATCHING OVER YOU

WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME TO LEAVE YOU ALONE

I JUST LIKE FIXATING MY DESPERATE GAZE TOWARDS YOU

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I LOVE YOU SO MUCH THAT I JUST WANT TO STARE AT YOU WITHOUT INTERACTING

...and then someone wants to wear that codependence on a shirt? 

 I read this as "girls who resemble this" and I guess the shirt wearer is giving a thumbs up to girls who have the bizarre forearm musculature of Popeye. Check for yes.

 "Good news, mom. I've completed my education!"

 ...for all I care!

Things on the ground and in the vicinity of my bins also serve to document the excess of human manufacturing.
I've seen these in a lot of the gas stations I go to.

 I guess somebody's a customer for life.

Maybe I did, maybe I didn't (I did).
What's it to ya?

And then there are just the sorts of things I see scrawled in restrooms along my travels...

 Sure, I tend to agree.


You don't have to tell me twice.

This is in a nice part of town.


Now if you need me, I'll be cleanig my poney.

 

Just dumb stuff.

Alright, the focus of this blog was always meant to be on the dumb stuff we as humans decide to manufacture. I've been a little sidetracked with thoughtful commentary. Well, speaking of commentary...

Last year I received a full pack of alphabet magnets, and I was wondering what I could spell using as many of the letters as I could, to leave a message inside that I would see every time I returned.

 I realized I could spell cult. My company has often been accused of being linked to a European scam group, which it sounds like might be a legitimate accusation, but the United States government doesn't currently seem to have any quarrel with our business model, so life goes on.

So, to ventilate my own frustrations as an employee, it was nice to have this little snarky secret on the inside of a bin.

Any way, I said this update would focus on stupid things.... Here you go: 

Obese kids cushion Spider-Man. Isn't there a fat Spider-Man meme? This resembles that quite a lot. He has no legs. Certainly not eight. 

 I mean I guess this is just an Austin Powers or something but he looks like an evil pimp.

 I've always been looking for Qne of these.

This tag seems to promise that this shirt which makes anyone who wears it instantly look like a gas station attendant that the effect would ACTUALLY be that they would be more attractive to "youngers". *hwaaaaaaarf*

 "So we need to think up a name for this baby supply bag. Something cool, something riveting, something suggestive of infanticide..."

"How about... Kid Decapitator?"

"Nah, too grim."

"...Baby... Bullet?"

And the rest is history.

 Hello.

Let us partake in some games.

I swear to god if I have to answer ONE MORE QUESTION about something that took place ANYWHERE ELSE on the planet or in the universe for that matter other than the GOOD OL' U.S. of A. I'M GOING TO FLIP MY GODDAM LID

This was one of several cards from some kind of game that didn't seem all that obscure. I am sure there are rules which involve only reading one color of statement at a time, but it's really hard to look at  the kinds of statements on this card and not imagine them being confessed to you all at once by some weirdly robotic person with a lack of social skills.

Look especially closely at those first three statements. This seems like some kind of a sales pitch.

Yes also hello.

 Love me.

No. I'm sorry. You're not getting rich of this, I will not allow it.

This post card used to live in one of my bins, I would leave it in there and see it every week after I finished picking everything up.

I love it so much. The Orangutan sitting with his CARTOON BEER saying "WHAT? You haven't been to MILWAUKEE?"

In Milwaukee, it is commonplace for Orangutans to drink SHITTY CARTOON BEERS. If you don't expect this sort of thing, you deserved to be sassed!

We're through.

I receive a lot of peoples photographs, many of them not terribly noteworthy. These stood out because they were framed, and disposed of together without any effort to spare the photographs from going god-knows-where to god-knows-who (turns out it was me and I have no problem sharing things that are donated for eventual public sale).

 A loving couple, throughout many stages. Smoochin', looking sweetly at eachother. A presumed age difference. A smug look, potentially due to concern over the angle of a selfie. These are intimate shots.
Their donation is telling. A relationship has to end for someone to get rid of these all at once, all in once piece. 

Which is why I wonder about this one...

...is this a beloved family pet? Well, if it was, and if the pet had passed on, you would think the owner would have made some effort to retain the pictures. Maybe in a little box somewhere.
It would be one thing if this was a beloved family pet who passed on and this picture frame was too much to look at every day. The sensible thing would be to take it down and store the pictures away somewhere until the heartache fades.
For this reason, I prefer to think that this dog did something unforgivable, and that the owners were simply so disgusted with it that they never wanted to see it's face again. Maybe it was secretly selling off it's dog treats to feed a nasty gambling habit. I dunno, anything. Some sort of betrayal would explain the need to ensure that it's every image would be cast off, never to be seen again.

#CombineTwoThings

Sometimes multiple items will show up together that just seem like they were meant to be together. This sort of fusion is always delightful.

Told ya.

Oh wow such charitable very amaze

Here are a few examples of how amazingly charitable people can be in their donations. Take a look at this first pair of shoes, which the owner praises as fitting "really good", presuming there is only one size of foot shared by all humans.

 So what could be inside this magical box that makes the contents "fit good" for whoever receives it?

 Why, it's a pair of busted up old boots! Maybe the previous owners fond memories of their better days are somewhere in the box as well!!!

 Note the cracked leather. But they're good with pants!

Here's something real heartwarming. The recipient of this charity solicitation didn't have the heart to keep these six cents for themselves, having been informed that these six cents would "feed a child". So, although it in no way returns these six symbolic cents to that organization, they ripped the envelop in half and gave that portion to us!

 That's uh.... that's not how this works, sir or madam, unfortunately oh but hey...

 ...clearly I have less scruples than you about taking free money.

Believe it or not, not every single person who drops something off into our hundreds of thousands of bins needs to call us and let us know, but thanks for playing!

 

 Here's one I love...

...certainly preferable to the recent time in which I received an actual full carton of eggs!

I believe this was just one of several pieces that were INDIVIDUALLY BAGGED with these notes assuring us of their recent laundering. Very kind, sure, but TOTALLY UNNECESSARY

 Oh, hello again.

 And hello again to you, my new penny and nickel.

 And here is an Apple product some of you may have missed....

 So exciting! It's got the authentic Apple logo! What could it be!??!

 Uhm...

 Apple presents: Green Wax Teeth Moldings! These were much larger than a human sized casting. A few of them also appeared to be on different scales.

Seriously, what? They have these little bases to stand on like they were chess pieces or something. MAYBE they were for arranging in an educational model? But the bases had different depths and shapes, and some of the tooth sizes weren't consistent. What could this possibly have been, and further, WHERE DID THEIR DONOR INTEND FOR THEM TO WIND UP by putting them in an anonymous mystery bin???

 And hey, while we're on the topic of creepy shit...

I mean, at least this human hair wig fills an actual need for someone, theoretically.